Highs and Lows: Week 8

Howdy NYFBL,

My featured image came with a caption. I’m gonna keep it!

Welcome to the Memorial Day edition of Highs and Lows. What makes this any different from the other Highs and Lows, you ask? Well, it’s pretty late, and it’s going to be a little more concise. You’ve had some time to reflect on what went wrong and what went spectacularly. I don’t need to remind you of what recent horrific injury or infuriating setback happened… and hey, maybe someone even came back for you during Week 8.

As per the past few weeks, I’m ignoring anything that’s happened Monday or Tuesday in Week 9.

#1 – MLB MVP’s (3-5) @ It’s Not a Bird It’s a Sale! (3-5)

Winner: It’s Not a Bird It’s a Sale! (314 to 300)

MVP Top Scorer: Max Scherzer (36)

IBIS Top Scorer: Stephen Strasburg (37)

It was a matchup worthy of inspiring an entire article.

It also inspired plenty of shade…

Screen Shot 2017-05-30 at 3.49.01 PM
The Smack Board, used for the first time since June 11, 2010

MVP Highs

  • ct-anthony-rizzo-cereal-20160406
    Yes, these are real.
  • Chris Archer (27) – Good Chris.
  • Lance Lynn (season-high 30 in first start of week)

MVP Porce-Lows

  • Rick Porcello, who had 13 Pts… after two starts. A total of 22 hits. Another case of a fantasy player refusing to inflict harm upon the team they once called home.
  • Chris Tillman (-5) – Bad Chris.
  • Lance Lynn (close to season-low [-1] in second start of week)

IBIS Highs

  • A career-best performance from Stephen Strasburg (37), who decimated the Padres with 15 Ks, 3 hits, and 1 walk. His rotation buddy Max Scherzer scored only 1 Pt less for the MVP’s the day prior (really, Padres?), but Strasburg’s outing felt more like the game-winning, motivational locker-room speech at the end of the movie.
  • Antonio Senzatela (27)
  • Matt Andriese (25)
  • Koda Glover (18) – Ugh, isn’t it fitting the number of points equals the number in the name of the foolish team who dropped him instead of Patrick Corbin?


  • Salvador Perez (-1) – Can’t get ’em every week.
  • Danny Salazar (-2) – Quick, Robin! To the bullpen! There’s not a moment to lose!
  • Addison Reed (-3) – His name was once chanted to confuse 18’s manager during the live draft. Now he seems to be a little confused himself.

#2 – Team McLovin’ (5-3) @ Web Gems (6-2)

Winner: Web Gems (307 to 233)

MCL Top Scorer: Luis Severino (31)

WG Top Scorer: Ervin Santana (33)

All of McLovin’s stars continue to hit the Disabled List, and yet the team still carries an impressive 5-3 record. Even more impressive? He remains in the NYFBL despite being a pushier seller than the guy in front of MSG before the Knicks game. At least that guy doesn’t try to sell us Austin Hedges.

Not much needs to be said about the Web Gems at this point as they coast to their sixth win of the season, a feat shared only with the Colorado Crush.

MCL Highs

  • Drew Pomeranz (25) – 11 Ks.
  • Didi Gregorious (19) and Carlos Santana (19)

MCL Lows

  • All the other McLovin’ hitters.

WG Highs

  • Logan Morrison (28) and Brian Dozier (26) had some quietly nice weeks. Don’t think I’ve typed their names at all in the Highs this season.
  • Joe Musgrove followed an ultimate Low with an ultimate High, putting up a 28-Pt blanking of the Orioles in Week 8 and finally becoming the Iron Fist.
  • The Orioles were having a pretty awful week, actually, as King Ervin Santana (33) did Joey Mus one better and pitched a complete-game shutout against them.
  • Marco Estrada, everybody (24).
  • Fernando Rodney (19) has turned things around. Big time.

WG Lows

  • Cody Allen (-3) caught whatever Rodney just got rid of.
  • Chris Davis (0)
  • Yu Darvish (4)

#3 – Squirtle Sluggas (2-6) @ Brooklyn Brawlers (4-4)

Winner: Brooklyn Brawlers (301 to 297)

SS Top Scorer: Lance McCullers Jr. (39)

BRA Top Scorer: JC Ramirez (40)

This one was a nail-biter up until the last minute, as it came down to two Sluggas hitting in the Pirates-Mets game, Francisco Cervelli and Andrew McCutchen. All they technically needed, after stat corrections etc., was 5 Pts to win. Unfortunately, they combined for 0 (breaking my own rules here: it adds insult to injury that McCutchen put up 7 Pts the next day).

The Brawlers’ record now sits at .500 after this extremely close win. The backend of the rotation won Best Supporting Cast, while Brad Hand lended a hand some help and nabbed the clutchest 7 Pts of the Brawlers’ season.

SS Highs

  • We said it last week, but Lance McCullers Jr. (39 in two starts) just keeps pitching. He’s also good at causing heart palpitations on the last day of a matchup.
  • Tyler Chatwood (29) pitched 7 innings of no-run, 8-K ball on the road in Philadelphia. He was close to New York, but 18’s manager wouldn’t tell him where he lived.
  • David Robertson (20)
  • Jose Abreu (27) – Your AL Player of the Week, everybody.

SS Lows

  • Carlos Carrasco (6) – Hard to pinpoint, but if we’re looking at what should have happened, Carrasco being off (and not getting the two-start week initially prescribed to the Sluggas) made a huge difference in the final outcome.
  • Chris Devenski (5) – Not every day will be cause for celebration when you have someone who’s used the way Devo is. He went (-8) on May 24 after posting a (-10) appearance the week before.
  • Avisail Garcia (6) chose to take a nap after his weekend in Week 7.

BRA Highs

  • JC Ramirez (40 in two starts) – The Brawlers have made a lot of questionable waiver wire budget decisions in 2017, but this purchase was 4 dollars well spent.
  • Robbie Ray (32) – He’s had his ups and downs so far, but recently he’s been the stud he was at the beginning of the season. Actually, he’s been better.
  • Sean Manaea (29)
  • Jake Lamb (24)

BRA Lows

  • Justin Verlander (-3)
  • Jose Quintana (-9)
  • Jean Segura (2)

#4 – Humongous Melonheads (5-3) @ Blister Boyz (6-2)

Winner: Blister Boyz (290 to 235)

HM Top Scorer: Michael Pineda (35)

BB Top Scorer: Jacob deGrom (31)

The Colorado Crush were temporarily rechristened the Blister Boyz for Week 8, and while it was a move done out of frustration and disbelief, it can now also be seen as one of elation and pride. Who was the top scorer for the Boyz? Why, it’s Jacob deGrom, suffering from a blister! Who gave a Sunday performance to remember? Why, it’s Johnny Cueto, also suffering from a blister! Maybe we can all use a blister or two on our team.

The Melonheads received a few pitching-related bruises, while their hitters lacked the usual domination we’ve come to associate with the team. It makes sense that they collectively decided to make Week 8 a light one to recharge.

HM Highs

  • Brandon McCarthy (25), pitching through God knows what types of pain.
  • Michael Conforto (20) – OK, who had money on Conforto being ahead of Thames now? No one? Just the Humongous Melonheads? OK then…
  • Raisel Iglesias (20)

HM Lows

  • John Lackey (-8), throwing up the double -4s like gang signs.
  • Joe Ross (-11), who put up 27 on the bench against Seattle, and then managed to be the one person on Earth (or at least the Nationals) who couldn’t handle the Padres.

BB Highs

  • Mike Leake (28) – Just call him Solid Leake.
  • Melky Cabrera (29) – Yeah, I don’t know either.
  • Josh Tomlin (29) – A Complete Game. I give up.
  • Corey Seager – Oh, hello there. You’re on this team now. That should be fun for everyone else.

BB Lows

  • Rich Hill (-9) – Some Blister Boyz push through. Some give up 7 WALKS.
  • Aaron Nola (1) – The Boyz were unsatisfied with his stuff, so he was sent out to the Wedding Rings. We wish him all the best.
  • Jimmy Nelson (-3) – Another NYFBL nomad, Nelson tantalized on the wire early in the year, seducing the Brawlers only to wet himself every time the Brawlers started him. The Boyz picked him up instead, and he found new life briefly before faltering again. What did he do once traded to 18? Oh, a measly 27 Pts, that’s all.

#5 – Jeter’s Wedding Rings (5-3) @ Seventh Street Screwballs (3-5)

Winner: Jeter’s Wedding Rings (265 to 207)

JWR Top Scorer: Anthony Rendon (44)

SSS Top Scorer: Zack Greinke (36)

It helps to have a 115-Pt day while your opponent rings up (-29).

JWR Highs

  • Anthony Rendon (44) – When real life becomes MLB The Show.
  • Jordan Montgomery (23) – The Young Yank put up his best start of the season against KC, who had given him the business one start prior.
  • Dellin Betances (29) absolutely murdered every time he was called upon for the save.

JWR Lows

  • Ryan Zimmerman (5) – Come back =(
  • Gerrit Cole ([-11] + [-1] = [-12]) – I know, it’s a lot of brackets. It all just means he was stinky.
  • CLAYTON KERSHAW HAD A (-2) START!!!!! OK, sure the one before was 33, but we at Highs and Lows are going to be the first to call his downfall. Sell high, sell high!
  • Tyler Glasnow (9 + [-4] = 5) – I couldn’t put my finger on what his problem was the wholeeee season… That is, until Sunday’s ESPN broadcast of the Pirates-Mets game:
    • r213523_608x342_16-9
      Wipe me down.

SSS Highs

  • Adam Duvall (35)
  • Zack Greinke (36) – In a week of extremely unbalanced two-starters, Greinke’s 1-Pt start occurred on the bench. Mistake? Forfeit? Calculated matchup analysis?
  • Andrew Cashner (18) – Don’t look now, but he’s put together some solid starts this year.
  • Masahiro Tanaka (26) had a great rebound start after two horrifying ones.

SSS Lows

  • Jhoulys Chacin (-21) – We can define having a first start of (-24) and a second of (3) as “unbalanced”.
  • Jesse Chavez (-12) did not enjoy a nice welcome party on his third team of the season in NYFBL.
  • Tony Watson (-6)

#6 – 18 Wheeler with Large CarGo (4-4) @ The Underrated Umpires (2-6)

Winner: 18 Wheeler with Large CarGo (262 to 169)

18 Top Scorer: Charlie Blackmon (36)

UU Top Scorer: Sonny Gray (30)

18 sipped a mojito and took it easy this week, going so far as to sit people like Patrick Corbin and newly acquired Jimmy Nelson when the gap between him and the Umpires seemed insurmountable. The Umpires suffered cases of blow-ups and general underperformance from players they’re counting on (Arrieta, Harvey, Bruce). In the words of every Rotowire writer, they’ll look to “right the ship” agains the Melonheads in Week 9.

18 Highs

  • Charlie Blackmon (36) – Listen, no one would be mad at you for changing your team name to something incorporating this guy. Also, he’s the NL Player of the Week, so if that doesn’t get your gears turning, I don’t know what will, 18.
  • Ty Blach (35) – Seemingly the one man to have a peaceful, harmonious two-start week.
  • Julio Teheran (20) bounced back from his (-21) Week 7 start and nearly made up all the points.
  • Jaime Garcia (24) said to his buddy 18, “Oh, did you sit me last Sunday? Don’t worry, I’m playing the Giants this week!”

18 Lows

  • Kris Bryant (6)
  • Wade Miley (-6) – He was all good until getting beamed by those two balls.
  • Michael Wacha (-8) – Place either hand under the opposite armpit. Raise the elbow of the arm connected to the armpit. Press down. Repeat.

UU Highs

  • Corey Dickerson (14) may not have the highest points total in the league or even on the Umpires, but he mashes every time he’s called upon.
  • Sonny Gray (30) – No, I didn’t see what happened yesterday. We’re talking about Week 8. WEEK 8.
  • Tyler Anderson (20) and CC Sabathia (20) were there when UU needed them. No, I didn’t see what happened yesterday, STOP SAYING THAT.

UU Lows

  • Tim Beckham (-4)
  • Yovani Gallardo (-3) – And this follows up a vicious (-18) night.
  • R.A. Dickey (-7) – It’s not a surprise anymore when some of NYFBL’s pitchers create these weekly totals with two chances.

That’s it for Week 8. More details, more jokes, less Wednesdays in Week 9.

Bai Bai Bai,



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