So clearly no one’s drinking their milk this year, as the boo-boos keep on coming. Sometimes it’s a baseball beaming, other times it’s a baseball booping, but the bottom line is that these players are just trying way too hard for us.
Justin Turner, I know you want the Crush to get that +1 more than anything, but it’s not worth your hamstring, dude. Dallas Keuchel, stop straining your neck and looking over at the Screwballs manager for some kind of complicated touch-my-nose-and-ears signal… just pitch, bro. Freddie Freeman, I don’t care how much the pressure of a second consecutive Web Gems loss was getting to you, that’s no excuse to let a man named Aaron Loup put you out of commission for 10 weeks.
#1 – Brooklyn Brawlers (3-4) @ MLB MVP’s (3-4)
Winner: Brooklyn Brawlers (386 to 277)
BRA Top Scorer: Jake Lamb (39)
MVP Top Scorer: Eduardo Nunez (29)
In a rare turn of events, the Brooklyn Brawlers pitching staff put up sky-high numbers, bolstered by strong performances up and down. The MVP’s had the right support from its lower tiers, but aces like Scherzer, Porcello, and Archer were unable to put substantial points together despite impressive displays such as Archer’s 12 Ks on Sunday.
- Jake Lamb (39) – Dost thou remember when Brandon Belt was suggested as the Brawlers’ best pick of the draft? Taken at 225, Lamb has been disciplined and powerful. He’s everything that the Brawlers’ worst draft pick, a shortstop whose name shall not be mentioned here, hasn’t been. He was also your NL Player of the Week, the fifth player in seven weeks to receive the honor after facing the New York Metropolitans. Also, the Brawlers finally played Brett Gardner and were rewarded.
- Two quality starts in the same week are worthy of praise. How about six straight quality starts? Eduardo Rodriguez (38) did just that. He hit the maximum 3 ER both times, but the walks were down, the Ks were plentiful, and he went for 8 complete innings, all good signs of things to come.
- Corey Knebel (20) – In a week where Osuna faltered (2) and Kelley was almost nonexistent (6), another clutch wire win gave the Brawlers the newly anointed Brewers closer. 2 Saves, 8 Ks, and no runs. He’s Corey K Baby, in more ways than one.
- Drop me once, shame on you, Brawlers. Drop me twice, shame on everyone else for not picking me up. Sure, baseball logic says that I’ll get hammered by the Royals or the A’s next week, but for now, let’s eat up (33).
- Sean Manaea‘s coming off a DL stint, so we shouldn’t be too hard on him, but the fact that nothing out of the ordinary happened in his two starts and his ERA still sits at 5.24 isn’t great news (15). In fact, it’s pretty LAME news.
- Andrew Benintendi was slumping big time for most of the week, and when he finally did break the streak, it wasn’t in a huge way (it was still reassuring, don’t get me wrong). He would’ve had 2 Pts total for the week if not for a surprising 2-SB Sunday.
- Jose Bautista (28) has been like Mount Vesuvius after lying dormant for the first month of the season. Now when we throw that sick line into the Analogy Calculator, baseballs are… baseballs are like the lava, and… and the other players are like the citizens of Pompeii, and… and the MVP’s manager is Pliny the Elder… but who is…
- If you’re looking for a solid AF backend of the rotation, then sorry, because Matt Garza (16) has already been taken. Since an insignificant first appearance, Garza has logged four consecutive quality starts. We’ll see if he can keep this up once he’s thrust into some inter-league play in Week 8.
- Jonathan Lucroy (20) made the most of nearly every at-bat this week. He and Bautista make for a pair of reanimated bats that could mean much wow and much prosper for the MVP’s.
- Eduardo Nunez (29) steals bases and hits balls hard. What more can you ask of a baseball player? What more can you ask of a human being?
- Lifted off the waiver wire instead of NYFBL journeyman Ariel Miranda, Alex Meyer came through with the spot start of the century (1) against the joke of the MLB (Mets). More dollars were spent on this man than points provided, but 7 Ks in 4 innings gets the eyebrows a-raising.
- It was all good just a week ago, Aaron Altherr (1). For every 3-Pt night you provided, a (-3) and someone’s firstborn child were taken in return.
#2 – Web Gems (5-2) @ Colorado Crush (5-2)
Winner: Colorado Crush (303 to 267)
WG Top Scorer: Yu Darvish (38)
CC Top Scorer: Jacob deGrom (26)
It’s kind of amazing Freddie Freeman was still able to put up 19 before his injury; if he’d stayed on pace, and Luis Perdomo didn’t exist, the Web Gems would’ve had this one. The Crush, after arranging for Aaron Loup to receive his bag of money, focused on encouraging solid performances all around. One blister was exchanged for another, so maybe not everything’s perfect in Crush-Town, but at least they can enjoy being tied with their worthy opponent for the best record in the league.
- Matt Kemp (33) put on for his city and beat the snot out of baseballs, starting the week off with a perfect 4/4 night and wrapping things up with two homers over the weekend.
- Marco Estrada (37) and Yu Darvish (38) didn’t necessarily have the most balanced two-start weeks, but Marco’s nasty second start (5 hits, 1 run, 1 walk, 12 strikeouts… he’s in for it real) and Yu’s first start (4 hits, 1 run, 2 walks, 9 strikeouts) show that when these guys are on, they’re as scary as anyone in the league.
- Cody Allen (19) was coming off a shaky Week 6, and while not flawless in Week 7, he managed to convert the save all three times he was called upon.
- Luis Perdomo (-23) was not prepared for the Arizona Diamondbacks, and it didn’t even happen in Chase Field. The numbers now make him look like a much worse pitcher than he’s been, but it’s not a good feeling when your weakest link snaps in two for a start you needed to go well. Oh, and Perdomo’s quality start on Monday in which he had 9 Ks? He was sitting for that one.
- It’s also not a good feeling when a guy who’s managed to limit the damage this year chooses the last day of the matchup to have his face melt off. Like Perdomo, Joe Musgrove (14 on Monday, -16 on Sunday) lasted 3 innings, surrendering 7 ER to the Indians. The concept of a two-start week might make the Web Gems shiver a little from now on, as Chase Anderson had 4 during his, but would’ve had much less had the Gems played him against the Cubs.
- Kyle Seager (5) probably doesn’t get too excited about family gatherings. “Corey this, Corey that…” Well how about you have a multi-hit game once in a while, Kyle?
- Two starts or not, the Crush’s second-highest scorer was none other than Zack Yung Godley (25). He was all about control on Sunday, relinquishing strikeouts to keep his walks down, and his points suffered despite the longer outing. Nevertheless, he can run on home to tell his mother he did a nice job.
- Aaron Nola (15) returned after a month away and went 7 innings at Pittsburgh, giving up only 1 ER for a tough-luck loss. Rich Hill (11) also returned, pitching a shortened outing that still yielded 6 Ks, no walks, and no blisters. ESPN notes that Hill has been “effective when healthy”, but that’s kind of like saying that your screaming baby is really cute when not crying.
- Michael Brantley (20) led the Crush’s hitters after a few days off to rest his ankle. Like the rest of his body, the ankle seems fine, and Brantley continued his very good year.
- I’m beginning to wonder what song pops into the Crush manager’s head when he stares longingly at his printed-out picture of Greg Holland (19). “My Boo”? “At Last”? “What’s Your Fantasy”?
- Last year’s NL Player of the Week, Alex Wood (22), has a 20.1-inning scoreless streak going, as well as a four-game winning streak.
- Josh Tomlin (-11) was chewed up by the Rays. The Crush still believe, and they didn’t pay $31 for him, so they’ll continue to monitor the man.
- Matt Carpenter (9) had a lot of chances to hit, but didn’t do much with them. He likes hitting home runs on Sundays though, so at least he remains an animal for one day of the week.
#3 – Seventh Street Screwballs (3-4) @ Humongous Melonheads (5-2)
Winner: Humongous Melonheads (301 to 232)
SSS Top Scorer: Mike Trout (36)
HM Top Scorer: Jose Altuve (31)
The Melonheads took the reins of this matchup halfway through the week and didn’t let go. A handful of poor pitching performances did the Screwballs in, while the Melonheads played God with a few more pitchers for their devious ends.
- Gary Sanchez (19) didn’t end the week on a high note (-4 between Saturday and Sunday), but he’s been spraying even more balls than spritzes of #IAMGARY cologne since returning from the DL.
- Marcus Stroman (18) has been in the zone for nearly all of his 2017 starts, and while he couldn’t get a QS for Week 7, he was probably a little exhausted after launching a home run for himself (someone likes inter-league play).
- *rubs eyes* Adam Wainwright (20), that’s two good starts in a row! #3 is going to be pretty difficult to pull at Coors, but we’re rooting for you.
- And Eric Hosmer (23) keeps. on. hitting.
- Masahiro Tanaka (-16), for the second week in a row. This second-round pick sure has a lot of Ws to his name, but even Jered Weaver would have a few with the Yankees behind him.
- The Reds pulled a Hyun-Jin on Amir Garrett (-8), tossing him back into the swing of things against an angry Chicago Cubs squad. It wasn’t pretty, but we’re not too far from his stellar beginning, and he’ll have to do this a lot more before we ask him to go back to shooting hoops.
- Tanner Roark (-13) has been consistent this year. Consistently mediocre. OHHHH SNAP. His awful Week 7 performance was approaching on the horizon like a battalion of points-draining soldiers, but it still stings.
- Jhoulys Chacin (25) was summoned to do the bidding of the Melonheads, and sent plenty of Brewers back to the dugout. He had an even more favorable start lined up with the Mets, but the Melonheads were through with him. Ironically enough, Chacin was picked up on Sunday by the Screwballs. On to the next one.
- Is Joey Votto (28) going to have a career year? He’s deserved a spot in the Highs week after week.
- Mark Melancon‘s nose may look a little weird in his ESPN picture, but he came back from the DL (it wasn’t nose-related) and snagged two saves in two days. He had a shaky second appearance, and neither outing had a K, but the Giants will take what they can get.
- “I’m Michael!” “And I’mmmm Cody!” “We’re gonna net you 16! Each!” “Thaaaaaat’s right, Michael! We got this!” “Young dudes forever!” *Loud high five*
- If not for his little “hey, remember 2016?” of a Sunday, Jonathan Villar (5) would’ve gone (-2) for the entire week. From Urquelle to Urkel in the blink of an eye.
- John Lackey left it all on the field with his performance on May 9th, as he put up 6 in Week 7. And that’s with a +3 for the win, of course.
- Methinks Jhoulys belonged in the rotation more than Jesse Hahn (4), however exciting Hahn might be, but I’ll let Jeter’s Wedding Rings complain about this when the Screwballs win by one or two hearty Jhoulys starts.
#4 – Squirtle Sluggas (2-5) @ 18 Wheeler with Large CarGo (please, please, please stop making me type this name) (3-4)
Winner: (Damn it) 18 Wheeler with Large CarGo (270 to 255)
SS Top Scorer: Dan Straily (30)
18 Top Scorer: Kris Bryant (28)
In a matchup for the ages, a down-in-the-dumps 18 had to sit a starter on Sunday and watch him do really well. Wade Miley didn’t do a bad job either, but having both would’ve prevented the Sluggas from– wait, what? 18 won? Kris Bryant did what? Hanley did what? 18 started JBJ and he what?
- The Chicago White Sox were ruthless against the Mariners, and the Sluggas had two of the best ones in Jose Abreu (28) and Avisail Garcia (28). Avisail’s 21-Pt Saturday in particular (two HR, two doubles, six RBI, and 3 R) made the Brawlers feel quite foolish for releasing him into the wild Squirtle-blue yonder.
- We’ll take it, Nelson Cruz (20). You can have your strikeout days, so long as you hit at least 3 home runs per week.
- If Eric Hosmer keeps on hitting, Lance McCullers Jr. keeps. on. pitching. (18).
- Dan Straily isn’t sexy (…), but if he can combine two solid starts into 30 Pts, the Sluggas will go on a date with him any night. Just not Tuesday, they have a doctor’s appointment. Wednesday? Well, uh, Wednesdays are always really rough at work, and uh, *clicks pen near mic* oh, that’s their other line, they’ll call you back. *click*
- Edwin Diaz (-2) was removed from the closer role after coming into the year as one of the most hyped relievers in baseball. Unlike other closer yanks, however, this seems temporary, and is a *spin, jazz hands, whisper* soft low.
- A weird week for Sluggas closers, as David Robertson (2) followed up a Loss with a Win. “Just get me some saves, please?” said Wartortle, the Sluggas pitching coach, wishing he could be dancing with the Cubs and Brewers in their bullpens.
- Hector Santiago had a chance to bounce back (1), but it seems like he couldn’t shake his terrible start the week before.
- Actual voicemail transcript from Tyler Chatwood (0), left on 18’s iPhone, 5/19, approx. 3:35 AM MDT: “Oh my God. *lengthy pause, around twenty seconds* Who is this? *pause* You know, you’re something. I could’ve put up 16 and, and this kid *burps* he would’ve *burps* he would’ve *burps* I did it for you. 16 points. You think I can’t do 16? Jhou… Jhouellen, Juelz Santana can put up more than 16, and I *inaudible shouting* Mom, shut up! *clearly bringing phone much closer to mouth* You stupid pig. You stupid pig. I’m going to– *call fails*”
- Kris Bryant (28) was a bonafide hero on Sunday, not only becoming 18’s top scorer, but also getting just enough points in a single day (17) to give 18 a bite of sweet victory.
- Charlie Blackmon (26) and Zack Cozart (25) have been two fan favorites on the 18 squad. Blackmon is up there with the best hitters in the league, while Cozart continues to pretend 18 isn’t trying to hold his head down on the trading block every three days.
- Michael Wacha (18) liked his new home very much, pitching his first scoreless start of the season.
- MANNY MACHA— no (6).
- Julio Teheran (-21) had a nightmare outing that would’ve made a lesser man turn off his computer for the rest of the week and accept defeat. The most exciting pitcher on the Braves happens to also be their most terrifying.
- Not much has changed in Patrick Corbin‘s (5) recent schedule (OK, Coors, sure), so it’s concerning to see such an increase in ERA.
- Who should 18 take out of their lineup to make room for Carlos Gonzalez (0 Pts for 18, 21 Savage Pts for those who actually play him)? Call 1800-018-1818 to cast your vote now!!!
#5 – Jeter’s Wedding Rings (4-3) @ Team McLovin’ (5-2)
Winner: Team McLovin’ (257 to 245)
JWR Top Scorer: J.D. Martinez (39)
MCL Top Scorer: Carlos Martinez (31)
It was Martinez v. Martinez in another close head-to-head. The winner? Martinez, of course. The two teams put up nearly identical totals all around, but McLovin’ had just enough juice to pull through on Sunday with a strong day of hitting.
- Slow down, J.D. Martinez (39). There’s no need for this kind of devastation. It’s uncalled for. You were 1/1 one day and had 12 Pts. Are you saying you don’t even need to swing that much? It’s rude, quite frankly. How dare you claim AL Player of the Week. How dare you.
- Do I really need to ever mention Clayton Kershaw (28)?
- Dellin Betances is the AL East version of Brad Brach (wait a second), as he blessed both of Jeter’s teams with 2 saves and 16 Pts.
- Bryce Harper (7) was not Bryce Harper in Week 7, but he’s still Bryce Harper, you know?
- In a sad week for Wedding Ring relievers not named Betances, Brandon Maurer (-1) just couldn’t do anything right for the Padres, so he was thrown off the train.
- George Springer (-1) ended Week 6 with some 15-Pt fireworks. Week 7 was birthday candles. Birthday candles and you’re alone in your house. You bought the cake.
- Ryan Zimmerman (2) – Let Eric Thames tell you about sending the league into a frenzy and then cooling off. I don’t have to. Way too early to call though.
- DJ LeMahieu (25) had a heck of a time in Cincinnati. *cue laugh track, roll end credits*
- Danny Duffy: Redemption (31). The reboot sold out everywhere.
- Deciding not to sit Carlos Martinez (31) anymore, McLovin’ had another inferno of a pitching performance.
- Dexter Fowler (22) deserves a slow-clap GIF or something. Nothing crazy, just a predictable, safe GIF. Having two consecutive nights of homers can be a game-changer any week.
- If you weren’t hurt, Eric Thames (5), we’d be a little meaner. From Sell High to Buy Low? Hot or not? Legs or hot dogs?
- Dylan Bundy (-7) FINALLY had a bad start. 6 Earned Runs! It’s about time, Bundy! You… you good pitcher, you.
- Drew Pomeranz (9) hasn’t reached the 6th inning in all of May. He’s had his speed bumps health-wise, so that can absorb some of the blame, but should we be as optimistic as Rotowire, who believes “he’s had enough strong starts to make him a reasonable fantasy option”? I don’t know. Really. I don’t.
#6 – It’s Not a Bird It’s a Sale! (2-5) @ The Underrated Umpires (2-5)
Winner: It’s Not a Bird It’s a Sale! (235 to 152)
IBIS Top Scorer: Stephen Strasburg (42)
UU Top Scorer: Derek Holland (35)
While IBIS would have taken the L against every team except the Screwballs (that would’ve been another exciting matchup), some huge SP blowups prevented the Thor-less/Hamels-less/Matz-less Umpires from having much of a chance in this one. IBIS had a few implosions as well, but the rest of their staff more than made up for them.
- Salvador Perez (24) – “Put [me] in every day he starts,” hinted last week’s Hi– I mean, the actual Salvador Perez, “lest he miss out on a bomb or two.” Wow, Salvador was right. It was a bomb or three. He had an Avisail Garcia-like day, destroying 3 long balls across a doubleheader for a 21-Pt return. We see you didn’t play him every day though, IBIS. We see. McCann is hurt now, so you have no choice, OK?
- Edwin Encarnacion (18) could be returning to the land of the living, as he hit two home runs in Week 7.
- Stephen Strasburg (42 = 13 + 29) ended his two-start week with his best start of the year, saving his strikeout potential to take advantage of the Atlanta lineup and posting 11 Ks.
- Jeff Samardzija (28) is an interesting cookie. On 5/20, he put up 8 innings, no ER, no walks, and 8 strikeouts versus the Cardinals. His stock is rising.
- Addison Reed (20) had to regain his composure after unexpectedly reclaiming the closer role, but he nabbed two saves and gave up zero runs in Week 7.
- Matthew Boyd (-16) finally gave up, lasting 2.1 innings against the Orioles. He followed it up with a (-5) outing, but by then IBIS didn’t care what he was doing.
- Ian Kennedy is back, and he (-13) whoa OK I’ll just stop typing then.
- The Senzation Antonio Senzatela (1) has been a little drained these last two starts. He walked four and gave up four in Week 7. Give him a juice box and slap him on the butt. That’s what the Brawlers would do.
- Corey Dickerson (27) – Dang, bruh, that’s some sick waiver wire value right there. Corey had a multi-hit game for every day of the week except one.
- Jake Arrieta (19) – Well, that’s about as nice as a first post-trade start you could ask for. 6 innings, 6 Ks, and no walks. #ArrietaBack? #IAmGary?
- #SonnyGrayBack? The A’s ace pitched a quality start with 8 Ks against the friggin’ Red Sox (19).
- Derek Holland (35 = 10 + 25) has done all in his power to support the Umpires. There’s an occasional bump here and there, but all in all, Holland has been pretty darn nice this year. His ERA is 2.47, his WHIP is 1.17, and he hasn’t given up more than 3 runs in any of his appearances this season.
- A.J. Griffin (-19) – Well, that happened. After a start in which he managed to define “damage control”, Griffin defined “oh my God please God no” and gave up 9 ER to the Tigers. Let’s hope he shakes it off for Friday in Canada.
- After starting out as the hottest hitter in baseball / the points-league king, Jay Bruce (-3) has been about as tepid as the Mets in general, unfortunately. He ended the week with his first bomb in a while, so maybe we’re trending upward again.
- -12 when you start him, and 17 when you drop him. You got Chad Kuhled. Take some Robitussin, drink some tea, and debate whether to trust him again.
- Kick him while he’s down! Sorry, Julio Urias (-21), you’re going to be an awesome pitcher one day… one year, but it might not be this one.
Do Great in Week Eight! Rah! Rah! Rah!